I Am A Ragdoll
Broken and Tattered and Torn at the Seams
My stuffing is leaking out and no one seems 2 notice, as U all trample on and over the leftover waste from my insides.
I have been beaten and molested, both my body and my brain, by people I've held in the highest esteem.
People say ask 4 HELP if and when U need it, because 'closed mouths don't get fed'; but the ears in which I chose 2 whisper, were too stuffed with their own madness 2 offer
even the smallest amount of assistance. Unless U count giving the help U want 2 give 2 someone, as opposed 2 the help they say they REALLY need.
How about just giving them the time, effort or energy, they need 2 make THEM feel important?
Why is the easiest solution 4 most people simply 2 throw money at U or your problem, in hopes that U just go away, or at the very least, cease 2 burden them with your trivial meanderings, 4 they have things more pressing then what ails U.
It reminds me of the time I told my biological Father at 14, that I wanted 2 feel connected 2 him, 2 know where I came from; he brought me a coat and gave me money, I bet he never heard a word I uttered that day. We still don't speak.
Physician, heal thyself, that's how the saying goes. Unless someone wants 2 burden me with what ails or troubles them, well, then I am expected 2 B all ears and all hands on deck 4 the next man/woman's great catastrophe,
I have 2 B there 4 U, don't U C you've left me no choice? For I so crave your acceptance now,
that without it, I’d surely wither and die.
But the minute I flinched, during one of your MANY innocuous battles, I was a letdown or a coward, or of no more interest 2 U, 4 your problems and desires were far more pressing than mine, no matter the size or type,
I’ve done things 4 Love, some of which I am not proud of; helping is costly and so is Loving deeply. I’m cursed with an innate ability 2 read signs and patterns and 2 remember things that may seem insignificant 2 others observing those very same things… Because 4 me, when U really Love someone TRULY, noticing those things is VITAL!
Didn't U know?..
That’s how I knew 2 brace 4 the hit of the storm, well B4 lesser intuitively evolved creatures made frantic dashes 2 stock up on toilet paper and bread 4 the coming blizzard.
Fasten your seatbelts, we R in 4 a bumpy ride.
I’ve been trained 2 step in and help U all, since birth. I cut my baby teeth on making important phone calls for others because they were 2 afraid 2 do it 4 themselves and handling other adult business, well B4 my time.
I grew my adult teeth by babysitting kids that weren’t mine and caring for elderly folks, who weren't my responsibility, and I did it willingly because help was needed.
I’ve cleaned up others ‘trash’, while ignoring the pile of my own, that I’d neglected in favor of being your garbage dump. Who’s going to help me whittle down my heap of refuse that stacked up while I helped U knock yours down?
I had my own seed grow and then shrink on the vine, B4 I ever got 2 smell or taste the wine that the beautiful grape was 2 mature into.
I’ll NEVER know that feeling again.
I've sat tirelessly through drunken rantings and miss- thrown hurts; that was your cross 2 bare, that U laid at my feet, and I walked beside U during it all, never condemning, just riding the tide with U.
I endured the agony of growing wisdom teeth, by studying and doing schoolwork that wasn't mine, even though there was no benefit in it 4 me, simply because U asked 4 my help. I’ve weighed and dealt with identity issues, not of my own, yet never judged. I Loved U 4 U alone, despite the outcome.
As well as the misery of having those very same wisdom teeth extracted, via senseless lies, cheating bastards and people who were supposed 2 protect me, yet they preferred 2 live in Fairytale Land, rather than 2 speak the truth and face it willingly from all angles, no matter how hard it may have been 2 do so.
It takes courage 2 face the truth and stare it down, and in that regard I was a brave little soldier, because 2 not have done so would have been 2 short-change the very people whom I professed 2 Love.
Always strike a fair deal. How could I B expected 2 play the game correctly, if U hid half of the rules from me...
B4 the competition even began?
I have apologized countless times 4 mistakes that were NEVER mine, and many times over 4 the mistakes I did make.
But 2 do that doesn’t make people appreciate U any more than they do; it just makes U appear weak and overly vulnerable.
In a pack of dogs, the weakest one gets taken down by the others, no matter what the reason 4 the weakness may B; sickness, old age, etc.
We as human animals R no different than those canines because only the strong will survive and
weakness of any kind is seen as a disease far deadlier than cancer.
“We always hurt the ones we Love”, that’s how that saying goes, and I’ve heard it many times from those I’ve loved the most.
Well, let me tell U, I am not as strong as I appear, I can only take so many hits B4 I crumple up…withering
Just once I long 2 tell someone my problems without having them stomp on my words with comparisons 2 their own lives.
I cared about your problems and have always listened 2 U, but return the favor,
Quid pro quo!
When I came 2 U, only wanting.. 2 just B HEARD, U should have listened, without thinking about how it related 2 U and your life, or how what I was thinking, or the decisions I’d make would affect U somehow…
Can We Say SELFLESS, Boys And Girls!?!
Or U should have really understood when I said I couldn't take any more pain, because I’m bleeding out and I’ve lost so much of what’s inside of me that a transfusion won’t
clear my soul, because it’s heavy with the troubles that plagued U; then U dumped your mess in my lap and left me all alone 2 clear away YOUR clutter.
When someone gives U their heart, take it and respect it, or leave it as U found it, B4 U came along. Because the scars U leave may never heal, and why mistreat a thing as precious as a heart that Loved U with all it had 2 give, freely?... Wounds left festering from unnecessary hurts R the most difficult 2 endure, not all of us make it thru.
I loved fearlessly, but the ones I loved the most were cowards, unable 2 shield me from the hurts they themselves inflicted upon me, which R the ones that have cut the deepest... And they were too arrogant 2 repair the damage caused by their careless deeds and unfeeling acts.
I wish I knew how it felt 2 play Mommy 4 everyone who needed me, while having someone, ANYONE feed my own starving Inner Child, because now,... I've lost Her too.
Instead of missing me when I’m gone, U should have just loved me fairly and truly while I was still here,
like I did U…
Or if U weren’t capable of doing that, then U should have simply left me the hell alone!
Now... I Am Weak.
"We are more often treacherous through weakness than through calculation."
~Francois De La Rochefoucauld